


empty pocket waltz

by cowboyvalley



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1920s, 1930s, Childhood Friends, F/M, Im new here, M/M, Marauders, Roadtrip, Sad Remus Lupin, but he kinda doesn't get it, but sirius makes it a bit better, but thats ok, in love sirius, james is a pretty good ally, mentions of severus snape - Freeform, this is my first thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 04:11:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19659397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowboyvalley/pseuds/cowboyvalley
Summary: The hurt hits, and Sirius says they'll be together and Remus says he knows.(in other words, two boys run away from the place they called home, meet a madman on the way, and think they could maybe make it out)





	empty pocket waltz

Remus lived on the other side of town. Where the poor people lived, with their shambled houses and scores of children. And when the hurt hit, and Remus was out of a family and a job, Sirius asked Remus if he’d chance it and come stay with him. And Remus had looked at him sadly, and taken a drag. And he hadn’t said anything besides that, and Sirius didn’t see him until a week later, hand stuck out on the side of the road and lookin’ to all the world like a boy in need of caring. Sirius had pulled over and Remus said, _I’m goin’ West, Padfoot,_ and given him those tragic eyes.

That was about when Sirius made up his mind. He’d said somethin’ real sappy _(baby, doll, I can’t live without ya’)_ until Remus cracked a small smile. And it was enough, and he dragged him over to the Black manor. He planted Remus near the mailbox, and Remus stayed, lanky and fidgeting with something in his pockets. He only had to picture him out there, waiting and staying, and he didn’t even care that the servants started and sneered through the fear in their eyes.

He was halfway through packing his sack before his mother caught on. She first sent the maid up. The girl’s cheeks reddened as she recited, _sir theMistressBlack has called for your audience sir._ He ignored the girl. Second, she sent his brother. Regulus leaned in the doorway, rumpled tie and all. 

“You’re going after all, aren’t you? With that,” he sniffed, only halfway pompous, “boy.” Regulus was only a kid, really. They were both only kids, but the difference was that Regulus still believed in their mother’s icy cold hands (Sirius didn’t realize until he met Mrs. Lupin that not every child flinches when arms reach to embrace).

Sirius grinned. _Would Remus need a new pair ’a shoes?_ Regulus left, scurrying out in that mousy way Sirius always hated.

Finally, his mother. The clip of her heels sent wakes of hush through the house. Sirius picked up his sack, slugging it over his shoulder. Her screams echoed down the paved driveway, but Sirius and Remus were running, they were free, and their hands interlocked and nobody had anything to say, and their caps went flying behind them and Remus said _Sirius, wait!_ But he was laughing and thought it was real funny the way Sirius ran back to grab ‘em.

They were much more effective when they both stuck their thumbs out. Safer, too. Sirius saw Remus’s bruises and knew that the men with their sweat-soaked collars in the trucks did too, and Sirius didn’t like to think about what that meant to them. Sirius didn’t like those men, didn’t like the way they asked Remus to sit in the middle seat of the cab, as if they could smell something on Remus that they liked and that they wanted. He sat in the middle, everytime he could.

The boy who picked them up, 30 miles outside of Atlanta, must’ve been crazy. He had wild hair and crooked glasses and didn’t ever stop talking, right from the minute they got into the car. Sirius trusted him, quick, and Remus trusted Sirius so Remus trusted James. He kept running his hand through his hair, like he was searching for something. He’d ask for a match every couple hours but his nose would wrinkle every time the other two lit a cigarette. He must’ve been crazy, but he laughed loud and fast and said that _you two fellas are the damn best I ever met, I swear on it._

James ran his mouth too much about some fire-haired dame that he loved, but he didn’t ask anything about the two boys (which made Sirius like him, aside from trust him). He said he was going to Seattle to meet that girl. He said he loved her more than anythin’ and he said that she’d gotten this slimy fiancee and that he was gonna’ kill that man, no questions or nothin’. Sirius had looked at Remus from the front seat, legs stretched and nose red and hands locked behind his head. And he was happy, and a smile was yearning to break out, and he looked young, and Sirius knew they’d be following this madman to the ends of the Earth if it made Remus so mighty satisfied. 

Their days were filled with James’s incessant talking. It wasn’t long before he’d taken to calling them all brothers (which made Sirius wink at Remus and Remus flush) which should have deterred them, but really didn’t. He went 90 down the highways and 15 on every street, and never let either of them drive. A day into the journey, James pulled out into hick-nowhere, claiming with bright eyes to have _a real stand-up pal, men, but you two lovebirds better tone it down in front ‘a his wife._ Sirius said, _I don’t know if I could do that, fella. You ever seen Remus?_ Remus elbowed Sirius in the ribs when they pulled into the driveway.

The man was called Peter, and he reminded Sirius of his old school teacher. For the life of him, he couldn’t see how Peter, who was balding and seemed more 30 than 17, came to be friends with James, who had feverish eyes and kept on slamming his hands on the table (scaring the mutt) and speaking with his mouth full.  
His wife was a nice enough lady, plump and dull brown hair and eyes, but she said that Remus had to sleep in the attic, and she didn’t say _because he ain’t from reputable blood_ because she didn’t have to, and that didn’t sit right with Sirius. 

So Sirius put on a grand act of _I don’t mean to impose on your fine hospitality, ma’am, I’ll just share with my good friend Remus. I mean it, ma’am, I wouldn’t want to tarnish this fine home with my ungentlemanly manners, certainly don’t want to put the lady of the house in any strain, no ma’am_ (because he wanted Remus alone but also because he loved the sound of Remus’s stifled laugh and the wink he shot James behind her back). And that was how they came upon time alone, just the two of them.

Between hushed gasps and groans, quiet Remus whispered words that seemed to uproot Sirius permanently. Soft admissions that sold the deed to his heart, permanently and forever as they should live. And when Remus was coming undone, his face shiny and eyes closed, Sirius couldn’t help but to stare and plead, _you’re mine, doll, you’re all I’ll ever want, please, baby, stay with me._

The June air was much too humid for them to be lovin’ the way they did, but with the moon streaming in and the dusty mattress groaning beneath their weight, they didn’t much care. And if the squinty-eyed Mrs. Pettigrew asked them what kinda’ ruckus they’d been making, neither of them were sorry to hightail it out of that town.

The shorter the road got to Seattle, the more James blabbered on about his girl. He began to drive through the night, fingers jittering on the wheel and looking steady to the horizon. He pitched a full fit when the car broke down with a sputter, sighing her defeated breaths and givin’ every last drop to love’s ideal. They had to spend a week in Nowhere, Oklahoma. And Sirius should’ve expected that no good things can last, not really, because the hurt hit Remus like a truck.

He’d never been a sturdy kid, especially when Sirius and Remus were younger. Rosy-cheeked and the picture of old-money health, Sirius would spend long nights outside of the Lupin home, waiting in the bushes, pretending what he was doing was totally normal. He’d watch little Remus, sallow and hollow, coughing somethin’ awful in the big bed. And Mr. Lupin, watching the wife he kept calling ugly keep fretful watch over the sickliest of the children, scowled and drank bathtub gin out of a big bottle and yelled loud about _good fer’ nothin’ sonsabitches_ and _boy, if you keepin’ on like that, I’ll beat the weak outta’ you._ And the lovely Mrs. Lupin, who Sirius adored a billion times more than his own old lady, looked at him, not saying nothing, and gave him that look until the man quieted down. 

She was so much like Remus, Sirius wanted to cry, but he couldn’t let anyone know that he was watchin’. Couldn’t even let Remus know, though he wanted to tell him _I saw what your pa did to you, I can help, let me call the sheriff, he’ll listen to me, better yet, let’s just run away._ No, he couldn’t tell him, lest Remus get that stoney, screwed up face, and call him soft and tell him _I don’t need your chair’ty, Black._

And all that memory came back to Sirius when Remus got that cough that shook his body and meant hurting and his mother (but it couldn’t mean his mother, not anymore), and Sirius told James, in no uncertain terms, that he’d best leave them be, and pretend like he don’t hear any sickness from Remus. James winked and said _I gocha’, pal, I’ll be lettin’ you two be tonight, in that way that meant he only halfway got it._

Remus hacked up a particularly strong sounding bit of energy, and James left, and Sirius stayed watch and saw that Remus was ignoring the cough and bad lung when he said _what, you ain’t gonna go about town with James?_ And Sirius saw that Remus hated it a little bit when he put on his radio-singer voice and said _nah, darlin’, I’m with my best girl,_ but he also saw that Remus needed him more than he hated his concern. And they kept up their act, hushed and listening for any noise outside the nice little old lady’s barn, for long into the evening. They said all the things they’d normally say, throwing around memories and quieted _babys_ and unsaid _I love yous_ but they stayed far apart and paused a little too long when Remus hacked and hacked. Sirius ached with longing to be closer, wholley, starting in his chest, making it all hard to breath and making every second last an hour. And finally, when Remus gasped in a breath that Sirius thought for a fleeting moment he’d never get back, Sirius looked at him with an ‘o’ shaped mouth and sad eyes. Remus’s eyes screwed up tight when he saw him, and he got up. It took him too long, and he wheezed and grunted and coughed, but then he was out the door, throwing heart-breaker movie words over his shoulder _(‘I’ll be seein’ ya’, Black. Don’t hold up.’)._

Sirius counted to thirty, maybe skipping a couple, and slipped out the door after him. Remus made slow progress, and he probably knew Sirius was following him, judging by the way he huffed and kept on and didn’t say a word of protest. 

The town’s bar was a seedy sort of place. The type where Remus didn’t belong, where the air was dirty and the men dirtier and looking for a fight. Remus sat on a bar stool and low-voice ordered something cheap. Sirius slouched in the corner and watched him, eyes taking in every move, every grimace, every shudder. James didn’t seem to see them walk in, hands too full of some giggling blonde (he loved that dame of his, sure, but that didn’t really mean he couldn’t have a little fun until he met her again).

Sirius knew there was trouble coming. A young girl, younger than them by years and by naivete, was drinkin’ alone. A button of her blouse was undone, and her head lolled from side to side, and her words to no one smeared all together. Three men, smiling and sober and smelling of sweat, descended upon her. Sirius glanced back at Remus. He was looking at them, intent, and his eyes had gone all clear.

Remus only got one hit before he was on the ground, blood seeping from his nose. Sirius stood, but Remus struggled back up, eyes glinting and face flushed, and said something about, _‘bastards don’t know no decency, get your fuckin’ hands offa’ the girl.’_ Sirius shouted, panicked something awful, but Remus was already surrounded and he’d already taken too many hits, and Sirius couldn’t reach him fast enough.

The men were gone, running out the door before James could go after them. Remus, Sirius’s heart, his soul: his face was bloodied and swollen, but he smiled and gave a hoarse whisper, _‘almost had ‘em, Pa’foot,’_ and then, _‘she okay?’_

The three of them were a solemn procession back to the old barn. None of them spoke. James trudged up to the little old lady’s house to ask for bandages, or anything to help.

Remus groaned as Sirius eased him onto the ground. It was his ribs that were paining him. Remus had been in more fights than his years, and Sirius could recognize each moan, each grunt, each whimper. They were still for a moment, as Sirius watched Remus’s breathing and as Remus looked everywhere but at Sirius. His voice was quiet as he spoke.

“You know I’ve loved you, Remus.” He didn’t say it like a question, but he meant it as one. He supposed they’d never said it so blankly before, so naked. The barn was quiet, the world outside stilted. Maybe the rest of the world had gone. Maybe it’d burned away, ash floating way up into the sky and sticking to the stars, covering up their light and just leaving this barn and that lantern and those two boys-near-men. Like a dream.

I just mean,” and his voice cracked, “that it ain’t chair’ty.” Remus stared at the ground.

“It ain’t chair’ty because I love you, Remus.” He still said nothing, and Sirius’s heart was pounding and beating and maybe was going to run straight out of his chest and maybe he didn’t even get it, maybe men weren’t supposed to say these things, maybe he’d gotten it all wrong and Remus hated him (worse, maybe he didn’t love him).

“You’re just - well, you’re my fella, Moony.” Remus’s eyes slowly found his. Still, they were hesitating (but they were green like he’d never seen; green like moss, and forests in the dark, and building a life together, somehow). He didn’t speak for a while, and Sirius wanted to something honest like _if you’re trying to break me, you’d done it before you even met me, doll_ but he couldn’t.

Remus spoke. “I know it ain’t chair’ty.” And then he said: “And I love you too, Sirius.” And then he told Sirius to _get over here, if you so sure you’re my fella_. And what was Sirius to do but stare, for a bit, while Moony had moonlight beat on brightness and everyone else beat on everything else. 

Sirius began humming, something soft and worn, and a great big smile spread over his face. _Shall we dine out, my dear, and dance the night away?_ And he kept humming, singing with bright eyes while he patched Remus up with the old lady’s bandage, and through the night, with James singing along (enthusiastic, but Sirius was sure he didn’t know the tune). Remus kept on sayin’ nothing in that loud way of his, tapping, _one twothree one twothree_ on Sirius’s leg until they fell asleep

They left the next week, and Sirius didn’t let Remus out of his sight, not once. James said something near Spokane, _you boys seem to be tied at the hip, eh?_ And then he said, _the ol’ ball and chain,_ and Sirius found that real funny so they all started laughing like James did, and they didn’t stop hollering and laughing until James hit the brakes real hard and Remus thumped into the back of Sirius’s seat and Sirius started to get a little angry until he saw James’s face. And what he was looking at.

There was a lady on the side of the road, with long, unpinned, fire hair. James didn’t bother to pull over. He just stopped there, in the middle of the (empty) highway. And he didn’t get outta’ his seat for a while. He just sat there, stock still, hands gripped on the wheel and staring at that dame who was walkin’ away from him.

Remus touched his shoulder, real gentle, from the backseat. James let out a breath. “I’m balled up, fellas.” They watched him get out, shutting the door quietly. He ran his hand through his hair. He was more jittery than Sirius had thought. His voice was hoarse as he called her name - _‘Lily’_ \- and she stopped.

They talked for a while, his head bent low and her chin up high, and the air inside the car was getting sticky, so Sirius said _why don’t I just honk the horn?_ And Remus cuffed him on the back of the head and they both started laughing again. 

The girl slapped James once, hard, but she stomped over to the car and James was grinning. He had to run to catch up and was talkin’ to her real fast, and Sirius said _seems like she ain’t too happy._ And Remus said _nah, Padfoot. She’s in love with him._ And Sirius turned and was about to ask how he figured that but James was opening the door and telling him to _make room for the lady, please._

And that’s how Sirius ended up in the backseat, grumbling quietly and glaring at red hair until Remus laid a hand on his knee and introduced the both of them to Lily, who immediately proclaimed that _each and every man in this car is damn crazy, except for you, Remus._ Sirius liked that a lot, and he told Lily so, and they were all friends. James smiled all bright but he didn’t say anything, and at some point Remus coyly asked Lily that if some point she wanted to lie down, Sirius and him would gladly share the front seat. Sirius flushed and James spluttered and Lily just let out a laugh and said _I might have to take you up on that, at some point._

The moon was nearly fully risen when James said something. Sirius almost didn’t notice (Remus’s head sleeping in his lap and his hair in the moonlight).

“I’ll take you anywhere you need to go, Lily.” She lifted her head from the window.

“I know, Potter.” She didn’t seem mean about it. Remus’s eye fluttered, and Sirius gave a little wish that Remus’s dreams were of him. Or his ma. His ma would be fine too.

"You, still -” he coughed, “you still fixin’ to get married?” James sounded pained, and smaller than he’d seemed since Sirius met him.

“What if I was?”

“I’d take you to him, Lily.” James turned his head, not quite looking at her, not quite not looking at her. “I’d pay for the wedding myself, anything, anything you want.”

Lily craned her neck to the window. “How far do you reckon the stars are?” 

James stayed quiet for a while, like he was really thinking about it, really calculating. “Farther than people can see, flower.” He was whispering. “Farther than people can see.”

The car was quiet, but the road outside hummed. Remus always seemed younger when he slept. Even when they were little, Remus never seemed so until he slept.

It was a while before she spoke. “I ain’t.”

"It ain’t because of you, Potter.” She said it like he’d said it was.

"I know." 

“It’s because he wasn’t right. Not for himself.” She sighed, and rested her head against the window. James didn’t speak for a while, but he spoke quieter than Sirius had ever heard.

“Where are you goin’, Lily?” Maybe he was crying, just a bit. 

Lily took a long breath in. “I’m following you,” she let it out, “James.”

When Remus woke up, hair mussed and eyes heavy, Sirius whispered _you’re right, you’re so right_ and thought that maybe he loved him more than he should or more than he ought to. 

James announced, proud, that they were headed to San Francisco, except he called it _San Fran_ and Lily said _shut your goddamn mouth, for Pete’s sake_ and they all laughed and James blabbered on more and more and seemed to drive a little slower now.

On the radio a man plucked a guitar and crooned about a baby long gone, and Sirius took Remus’s hand, and Remus was grinning like he’d never seen him grin, and the road was long and James said it’d be another half a day until they got to San Francisco. But Sirius thought, just to himself, that they’d keep going past that, and maybe past the next place too, and they’d never leave this road and the burning sun and Remus’s hair outshining the moon.

Remus squeezed his hand, gentle, and he said _we’re making it, Padfoot._

**Author's Note:**

> ahh! thank you so much for making it this far, if you've made it this far. i've never done this before - i've read plenty (for hours on end) but this is one of my first attempts at actually putting something out into the world. i really hope you enjoyed it, and if you did (or if you didn't, honest) please leave a review :-)


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